Too tired to say much!!

I am not going to go off on a rant tonight!! Im too tired and emotionally drained from the day! I will be glad to fill yall in tomorrow!! Not like anyone reads my blog anyway....  My knee i killing me tonight too...  so im going to leave with something to think about as we get ready to turn our calendar pages to close the chapter on Jan 2013.... which by the way has not been as great as i was hoping but I did Get my hair cut!! 6 inches actually!!!!  Anyway im going off again... here is something to ponder!!!  Actually here are 10!!!

"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
 8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
    there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?"

Well have a great night! And here is to a great February!!! 

SO BUSY!!!`

So I have decided I am too busy for any kind of life whatsoever lol I dont know when i can fit me time in but by god i am going to make time for me!!! Like tomorrow i found a spare hour and a half my ass will be at the gym getting ready for this AWESOME 5k my friend J found out about and we are gonna do it!!!!   it is called the "Rugged Maniacs" IM SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED!!!  I will post a link to a video about the race!!! YAY!!! So now i have a positive excuse to get my rear in gear and actually get into shape!!! I got my stupid and i mean STUPID compression brace today its a chap so it goes up to my hip and down to my toe because the lady ordered the wrong stocking and got me closed toed!!!!  GAAAHH oh well..... My sister and I are watching golden girls at the moment making it a fairly relaxing night!!!  I have laundry to do and some more homework but thats ok!!! OH yeah I almost forgot I AM GOING TO VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES VEGAS!!!!!!!!!! April 10-13 for my moms 51st aka 50th repeat birthday.... yes it has been booked... my youngest son is all set and my oldest son will be with his dad!!!!!  SO YES THIS YEAR IS ABOUT ME AND DOING WHATS RIGHT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YEAH  I know i am typing like a hyper little squirrel but i cant help it.... im just hyper hyper hyper!!!  I have started p90x last night that should help me get my rear in gear for this race!!!  OMG IM actually happy today...... i wonder what awaits me tomorrow!!!!  EVEYONE have a good day!!!!  LIVE LIFE!!!!!

 R



Rugged Maniacs

Not a bad day!

 Today wasnt such a horrible day!!! My mom and i are actually planning a 3 day get away to vegas!! NO kids no sister no grandparents!!! This could be really good for us or a TERRIBLE idea!!! I guess we will have to wait and see wont we!!! We arent planning to go until april for her birthday!!!  Anyway.... i told my granddad i was going to go for my bachlors degree instead of my associates and all he could say was "so that means an extra semester without an actual good paying job!"  GOD WTH am i supposed to do! not a good for you kid or im proud of you for going for something bigger NOPE just worried about the god damn money well screw you ya old butt head!!! I dont know whats wrong with him anymore except he is getting old and MEAN!!!  Anywho besides that it was a good day!! I hate one of my professors but what ever and i got accepted to the school i want to get my bachlors at and i applyed for my associates degree graduation which will happen in the fall semester after i take statistics and sign lang... HECK YEAH!!!  Both the boys had a good day today... my youngest is potty training and its going pretty well.... not quite as good as it did with my oldest but beggers can not be choosers!! LOL im really starting to look forward to vegas agian i dont know if i should be or not but who cares its something i never got to do legal because of the age i had my children!!!!!  I feel better about myself today idk why either!! Maybe its because i got my heart pumping with a zumba class today! That put me in this fantastic little mood!! Im so uplifted right now its kinda scareing me!!! I thought about my dad today gosh i miss my dad its hard to believe its almost been a year and a half since he left us.... it made me start thinking about the song by carrie underwood that came out like 2 weeks after he died.... " see you again" its an amazing song!! I will put in a youtube link at the end of this post!!!  i cried a little but i think it helped!! Then i wondered what he would say about what i am doing with my life.... my dadddy was an amazing man!!! I wish i wouldnt have hated his disease so much at the end and let myself stay close to him instead of distancing myself like i did!!! oh well live and let go right???  well i dont think i am going to end today with a quote i will just end today with the song!!! Thank god for being alive!!!!!

R


http://youtu.be/GC0mKxtS7mA

"Lying to be perfect" GREAT MOVIE!!!!!

So today has been a bit of a lazy day! But i got some really good news today!  Well i am not 100% sure how to feel about the news but my ex my older sons dad said he could to the live show of Phineas and Ferb that i won tickets to next Saturday!!! My boys are so excited!!!  Also its just gonna be me and my sister and the boys lets just hope that i don't get any texts pissy from my mother!!!  Like i did last Sunday at CHURCH!!!!! AT CHURCH she was getting all kinds of pissy that i went to church with one of my co workers who is almost the same age as my mother!! Its almost like she is threatened!!!  Anyway i am in the middle of this service at a church i have never been to and the Sunday school group said they would text me if there were any issues with my youngest son so when i felt my phone vibrate i checked it to see and really pissed off for no reason other then my mom didn't want to go out to lunch with my grandma!!! I mean she said "I'm so sick i could die and Thanks i have no one!!! I HATE U!!!"  yeah i got that at CHURCH last Sunday morning!!!! Then we had a huge fight!! Well she really layed it on THICK!!!! I know i shouldn't care she is lonely and tired but it doesnt make it hurt any less!! I KNOW letting her words get to me is some and ONLY some of the reason I dont like myself as much as I do!!! I know I come off to those of you who know me as this put together person with her head on straight but i am the farthest thing from that person!!!! I am tired of hiding behind the pain and disgust of myself!! now i know that is the main source of my anger is my disgust for myself!!! My major disgust like i mentioned a few entries ago is my appearance I am a young single mother and thats the thing i dont want to be single... and getting a boy friend is not a priority but at least having a guy check me out once in awhile wouldnt be so bad!!!! I used to be this skinny hot little thing and when my dad got really sick i let my diet go to hell!!! I havnt gotten back on the right track until VERY recently!!! Im tired of being the girl who is frumpy and fat!!! Im unhappy in my own skin!!! I am trying to get past this but this is the first time i have ever let it out of my head and somewhere else that if anyone knew who this really was would be like huh???   so that brings me to the title of this entry!!! The movie "lying to be perfect"
            "By day, Nola Devlin (Poppy Montgomery) is an unassuming, frumpy magazine editor who    is overlooked and teased by her coworkers. When the sun sets, though, and she is behind the glow and anonymity of her computer screen, she becomes the famous and reclusive advice columnist Belinda Apple. Nolas friends, tired of being overworked and overweight, band together to create the Cinderella Pact, vowing to lose pounds by following the advice of their fairy godmother, Apple. When her secret identity is threatened, Nola is forced to take her own alter egos advice. But, as the group of friends drops dress sizes, their real issues are exposed, and better-than-expected life changes begin to blossom."
 That is what I want with my life!!! I want to grab it by the horns and be who I want to be... I am tired of trying to be what i think the world wants me to be... if you dont like me for who i am SCREW you!!!!!  Now if i just follow through!!!!  and i just need to mention if it werent for my friends J, B, M, A and my theripist i wouldnt be typing this really dramatic blog and trying to fix myself!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!! MUWAH!!!!!

R

I guess being sick has paid off!

Well I am FINALLY feeling better!!  Those antibiotics are kicking in!!  I know I wanted to start my quest to a better body and i didnt think i had done so.... but guess what I am down 5 whole pounds and I couldnt be happier.... now this is down 5 pounds from when i last weighed which was like 2 weeks ago but hey i am NOT complaining!!! I went to work last night we were fairly steady which was nice! I guess... I am confused about some things in my life but i dont think i am quite ready to admit to these confusions.... anyway life is about adventure right?? Well this is my adventure!  I am going to start getting things right!!  OMG i just read what i just wrote and talk about RAMBLING with no direction!! Ah oh well like i said just write what comes out and it will be completely honest!!!! So a quote Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."Harriet Tubman  Now i just need to take my own advice!!! Have a good day!!!

Feeling yucky!!

So I went to the doctor this morning and he confirmed the ear infection as well as strep throat!! Which means i probably shouldnt have gone to physical therapy this morning or done all that i did before my apt!!!  Having strep throat means two other things!!! 1 i get to stay in bed which is nice because i have NEEDED this catch up on sleep and rest for some time!!! and 2 that i CANT go to work which SUCKS because my mom is freaking out over money!!! BLECH!!!!!! Oh well..... this morning was another rough morning with her!!! She told me to get a note from my doctor stating what was wrong with me so she could see.... she didnt believe i was sick she just thought i wanted to be lazy and stay home from work which is not the case!!! Because as much as i HATE HATE HATE being a waitress this job is my "me time" its what i need to survive this situation im in!!!!!  Anywho she got all kinds of pissy because i really was sick and i think that is just plain stupid!!!!!! meh life goes on! So as i am laying in bed waiting for my oldest son to get home from school (my grandpa offered to pick him up) I write this "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales  Think about how you are going to start this weekend "anew" think about how you can take a negative outlook and change it!!  I know I should take my own advice and I know there arent many people reading this but go out and make a difference today!!! Im going to bed and will be back later

R

I hate being sick!!!

So much for the start of the new me!!  I woke up this morning and felt TERRIBLE!!! I am pretty sure I have an ear infection and something funky is going on with my tonsils!!!  But I am SOOOO mad!!! I went to lab today and all that was good but I got home and went to tell my mom not to worry about me or my youngest because he was in daycare and i was going back to bed because i feel so YUCKY... all she could say was "Well im sick with a sore throat too and you ddnt wash my sheets" i was like are you kidding me!! So i YELLED at her and said she can stuff her sheets!!! I NEVER stay in bed because i am sick!!!!  so i have an apt with my doctor tomorrow and i called her to tell her i had to take the car and she said well did you call welfare and see where your money is!!!! I was like NO mom that wasnt exactly first thing on my mind while im trying to sleep off this cold so i dont as single mom have to take off of work or be out of commission long!!!! then she says "well i guess money isnt very important to you!!!!!!!OMG I NEED TO GET out of here!!! I CANT Stand her right now!!! And she is still whining about her being sick!!! SHIT she is always fing sick!!!!! GAH!!! Ok well my fever feels like it might be coming back so Im gonna get off here!!! Sorry for the rant!! I will try to type something positive later if i feel well enough!!

The start of the new me!!!

Over the next 3 months I am going to start changing myself for the better!  The diet begins tomorrow!! My goal is about 40lbs maybe unrealistic but its my goal no less! Also over the next 3 months Im going to change my hair I think and my wardrobe!!! I cant wait to start feeling better about myself!!! I know I sound like a good majorty of women "NEEDING" to lose weight! BUT i really think this will help my self esteem!!! So here goes nothing!! To the next 90 days! I will post measurments and pics soon!!!

I hope this helps!

Who am i?  What is my purpose in this life?  That I dont know.  That fact frustrates me to the maximum!   Ok enough being vague!  I started this blog so I have a place to put my stress, my hurt , my pain, my joy and accomplishments. I dont know if anyone will ever read this or if anyone even cares! I do hope if anyone does read this they will be able to relate and know there are plenty of people with messed up lives and stress and no one is alone.   Anyway here is a little about me... I am a young single mother of two amazing wonderful boys who are my everything and I would go to the end of the earth for them. I have full custody of one of them his father was not ready to be a dad and split town,,, but enough about him.. i share 50/50 with my other son... believe me when i say the custody battle over the last few years has been tougher to deal with then child birth!!! LOL i will go into more detail later... Aside from my boys my life is pretty lame... i still live at home because i moved back when my father was getting sicker then he had been!! He had a disease called spinocerrabellar ataxia or SCA3 it is hereditary and inevitable if you carry the mutation which i found out June 25 i have the same disease! Which in my opinion sucks but on the other hand it could give me a chance to be apart of the research!!! Also I just started going back to school which is difficult because in my mind I should already be in my career but because of my choices i am not!!! I have some real insecurity issues that for some reason i NEVER want to address and I have been going to a therapist for over a year now and it has helped some but i wont completely let go and get deep down into my issues!!! Stupid right??? I think that has a lot to do with my anger towards myself and the world but mostly myself!!!! To start i HATE my body!! I am a tad over weight and i HATE it i was always this little girl and since having kids, stress, and poor ass diet i just kept the weight on!! I have tried diets and they dont seem to work but i also just had knee surgery 2.5 months ago and im just getting back to the gym so i am hoping that will help!!!  I think i am ugly and unwanted which everyone says is not true but for some reason that is how i see myself in the mirror!! If i just had the perfect hair and the perfect body i could get where i want to go!!! I also HATE some of the choices in my life some of the people i trusted and got hurt by.... but i cant change that now can i???  i have been told i can write a horror story or a book of warning on who NOT to date and WHO not to love!!! sounds crazy because of my age but its true!! I know right now i ramble and dont hold a consistant thought for long but i have so much on my mind and so much i need to get out that is the way its gonna be for awhile!! My 10th grade english teacher always said the most honest and truthful writing just happens doesnt matter if it makes sense when its being written as long as you get it all out!!! you can always remove extra fluff if you want later!! I always loved that!! So thats what i am doing because that is what i need!!  I dont like most of my life... i dont like being the age i am and living at home!! i dont like that i had kids when i did... if i had a chance i think i would have waited!!! There are days i feel like i missed out and what if,,, that drives me CRAZY because i LOVE my boys so very very very much!!!!! and i dont want to think that at all,,, does that make me a bad mom??? I dont know but i know it makes me feel so guilty i would never be able to admit it in actual words outside of typing them!!! My mom and i have a VERY hard relationship and i can go on and on and on and on about it but thats not whats hurting me at the moment as i write this entry!!! I feel alone, lost, scared,angry and like i need to self sabotage myself in order to function!! like i have to live in a constant state of chaos to be happy of functional!! My mind is a scary place to to live in.... i dont want to take my life i KNOW that ... i experienced that once and i NEVER want to go back to that place ever again!! Yet i feel im in this dark hole and as soon as i start coming out of it something happens!!! I dont feel like i belong in the life im in!!!!! I DONT have a PLACE in my own skin!!! I feel trapped stuck someone other then me!! there has only been one place where i feel at home and thats on the ice!! skating was my life and when it was taken away from me due to injury i started making terrible choices and thats when i started down this path of not being me!!! But i guess thats why life is so full of choices!!! well im done for now i know i didnt accomplish anything this entry but its a start!!! Ok i will be back later!!!


R