Im tired!

Of living in my own hell.... i know i have done it to myself... now there are several ways that i could stop living in my hell and i have thought about all of them... but at the end of the day there is only one that is the right choice for me and that is change it. instead of looking at it like hell i need to look at it totally differently! EASIER said then done right?????  Yeah i just seem to be in this black hole in my head and no matter how much i talk about it i just cant seem to get out of it and it is driving me nuts!!!! But i have not been completly honest with those i talk to... becasue i cant seem to be honest with me... god idk what i want to say im just going to go ill be back when im back

I am 1 in 150,000

Spinocerebellar ataxia 3 

Spinocerebellar ataxia (SCA) is a progressive, degenerative,^[1] genetic disease with multiple types, each of which could be considered a disease in its own right. An estimated 150,000 people in the United States are diagnosed with Ataxia, SCA's are the largest group of this hereditary, progressive, degenerative and often fatal neurodegenerative disorders. There is no known effective treatment or cure. Ataxia can affect anyone of any age. It is caused by either a recessive or dominant gene. Many times people are not aware that they carry the ataxia gene until they have children who begin to show signs of having the disorder.^[2]

 

SCA3[6] (MJD) (ATXN3)

4th decade (10–70)

10 years (1–20)

Also called Machado-Joseph disease (MJD)[7] Gaze-evoked nystagmus (a rapid, involuntary, oscillatory motion of the eyeball) upper motor neuron slow saccades

Azores (Portugal)

CAG repeat, 14q

 

^{'Machado–Joseph disease' (MJD) or Spinocerebellar ataxia type 3 (SCA3) is a rare autosomal, dominantly inherited neurodegenerative disease that causes progressive cerebellar ataxia,[1] which results in a lack of muscle control and coordination of the upper and lower extremities.[2] The symptoms are caused by a genetic mutation that results in an expansion of abnormal "CAG" trinucleotide repeats in the ATXN3 gene [1] that results in degeneration of cells in the hindbrain.[2] Some symptoms, such as clumsiness and rigidity, make MJD commonly mistaken for drunkenness and/or Parkinson's disease.}

 

The disease is caused by a mutation in the ATXN3 gene, which is located on chromosome 14q. The gene contains lengthy irregular repetitions of the code "CAG", producing a mutated protein called ataxin-3. (Normally, the number of copies is between 13 and 41.)^[7] MJD is an autosomal dominant disease, meaning that if either parent gives the defective gene to a child, the child will show symptoms of the disease. Therefore, if one parent suffers from this disease and the other parent does not, then if they decide to have children, there will be a 50% chance of their child inheriting the disease.^[2]
The pons (a structure located on the brain stem) is one of the areas affected by MJD. The striatum (a brain area connected to balance and movement) is also affected by this disease, which could explain both of the main motor problems cause by MJD: the tightening and twisting of the limb and the abrupt, irregular movements.^[8]
In affected cells, this protein builds up and assembles intranuclear inclusion bodies. These insoluble aggregates are hypothesized to interfere with the normal activity of the nucleus and induce the cell to degenerate and die.^{[citation needed]}

The hereditary ataxias are categorized by mode of inheritance and causative gene or chromosomal locus. The hereditary ataxias can be inherited in an autosomal dominant, autosomal recessive, or X-linked manner.

• Many types of autosomal dominant cerebellar ataxias are now known for which specific genetic information is available. Synonyms for autosomal dominant cerebellar ataxias (ADCA) used prior to the current understanding of the molecular genetics were Marie's ataxia, inherited olivopontocerebellar atrophy, cerebello-olivary atrophy, or the more generic term "spinocerebellar degeneration." (Spinocerebellar degeneration is a rare inherited neurological disorder of the central nervous system characterized by the slow degeneration of certain areas of the brain. There are three forms of spinocerebellar degeneration: Types 1, 2, 3. Symptoms begin during adulthood.)

• There are five typical autosomal recessive disorders in which ataxia is a prominent feature: Friedreich ataxia, ataxia-telangiectasia, ataxia with vitamin E deficiency, ataxia with oculomotor apraxia (AOA), spastic ataxia. Disorder subdivisions: Friedreich's ataxia, Spinocerebellar ataxia, Ataxia telangiectasia, Vasomotor ataxia, Vestibulocerebellar, Ataxiadynamia, Ataxiophemia, Olivopontocerebellar atrophy, and Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease.

• There have been reported cases where a polyglutamine expansion may lengthen when passed down, which often can result in an earlier age-of-onset and a more severe disease phenotype for individuals who inherit the disease allele. This falls under the category of genetic anticipation.

MJD can be diagnosed by recognizing the symptoms of the disease and by taking a family history. Physicians ask patients questions about the kind of symptoms relatives with the disease had, the progression and harshness of symptoms, and the ages of onset in family members.
Presymptomatic diagnosis of MJD can be made with a genetic test.^[9] The direct detection of the generic mutation responsible for MJD has been available since 1995.^[10] Genetic testing looks at the number of CAG repeats within the coding region of the MJD/ATXN3 gene on chromosome 14. The test will show positive for MJD if this region contains 61-87 repeats, as opposed to the 12-44 repeats found in healthy individuals. A limitation to this test is that if the number of CAG repeats in an individual being tested falls between the healthy and pathogenic ranges (45-60 repeats), then the test cannot predict whether an individual will have MJD symptoms.<sup>[9]



 So this is me and my fate! This is what my father, grandfather and grandmother died from! 









http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinocerebellar_ataxia
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machado-Joseph_disease</sup> 

 

BEEN really SICK!!!

Well this last cold knocked me right on my butt for about 6 days!!! I got nothing done other then school and managing the boys!! I havent done much of the 30 day shred well im only on day 7... i think i restarted day one like 3 or so times!!! So nothing to report there... NOTHING to report on the job front which is killing me!!! My ex is still late on child support but im getting things handled on Monday!  So that will help!! IDK i have been fighting with my mom and TON and i am losing the positive out look and motivation i had so much of a few weeks ago!! THank goodness i see my therapist on Friday!!! IDK I just need to keep writing which i have not and i need to get further along with this 30 day shred!!! GAH ok i will write more later!!

30 Day Shred!

So I know I haven't written all weekend because I have been really sick!!!! BLAH kind of put the working out and losing weight at a halt... well not all together.... I am 2 tenths of a pound from being in the 170's again I am SOOOO EXCITED!!! Bringing my weight loss to 16lbs I cant wait until i say 26lbs by April!! Man i am feeling more confident every day!! My MOM even made a comment about noticing my weight loss.... So that being said I have decided thanks to my friends on My Fitness Pal i am going to do Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred!! I have looked at the YouTube results and a few people my size have lost up to 19'' on this thing!! And dropped two dress sizes!! I WOULD LOVE to be in an 8 or even a 6 again god what it would do to my self esteem!!!! So today I started day 1 and boy was it harder then I thought!! But Im SOOOO EXCITED!!! ONLY 29 days left!!! SO since you change levels every 10 days im going to do measurments every 10 days starting today!! And yes pictures BLAH I hate pictures of my body!!!  Anyway here we go!!!

Measurements

Shoulders-17"
Bicep-14.5"
Neck-15"
Bust-41"
Back-38"
Waist-36"
Hips-43"
Thigh-25"
Calf-16"

Ok I hurt!!

This whole working out and dieting thing is killing me!! Not really its actually REALLY good for me but im so sore i can barely move!!!  But im happy.... lets see here i need to look back at my old blog to see when i started this weight loss journey because im thrilled!! i start officially dieting again 5 weeks ago but tracking my weight!! I have lost 14.6 lbs in 5 weeks!! Which means i am right on track for my Vegas goal!! Might even be a little below!!! I AM FREAKING OUT EXCITED!!! Now if i could just help my friend who has helped me SO much find her motivation!! I dont know how losing 50 something pounds so far isnt motivation but everyone is different!! I am so proud of her and thankful to her at the same time!!!! I LOVE her like a sister and i am so so so so so so so so glad we became friends again!! I guess it was just meant to be..... or in the cards... now lets find he motivation button and we will all be happy!! Anyway im am starting to feel like no one can tell me what to do anymore!! I am so tired of being shot down... its quite refreshing to not be so hard on myself its just hard to not want to punch the person in the face that put me there to begin with!  a few days ago my grandfather looked me in the face and said i was a "waste of resources money and air"  WOW did that hurt!!!! All because i cant balance a full time job full time school and full time motherhood single!!!  God sometimes its hard to remember he is old and becoming MEANER with his age because it is a dagger through the heart!!!!  It makes it harder and harder and harder to live with him when all his goal is to put me DOWN!!!! HELL whatever i am so burnt!! But im not going to let this shit get me down!!!! Alright its bed time i need to rest my sore aching body goodnight no one!!!


R


MY THEME SONG!!!

TOO MUCH!!!

This is not going to be a long post because i have too much to post and i dont want to get into it all right now... shit my chest and left shoulder blade hurt enough for the night!! well i guess its morning at this point but w.e.... Long story short and NASTY stupid shit aside i think change is coming my way and when i say change i mean a good change but i have to get a job first and make some more positive strides towards a better happier life!! i just have to say i couldnt have done it without my friends right now!! I owe my life to you at this point because i think i might have taken mine by now if you werent there!!! so thank you!!! ok im going to bed because this is sooooo scattered and not making a whole lot of sense.... until tonight....


R

What a weekend!

I don't even know where to start.... this weekend has been an interesting one that is for sure!!!!  It started on Friday my oldest son had been sick all week and i planned on picking him up but instead his dad sends me a text an hour before he is dropping him off... so that ruined my plans because i didn't have a sitter and i had an apt @ 10 so instead of taking one boy i had to take both... i was really worried because this apt didn't allow me to sit and watch them and they couldn't participate in what i was doing so they had to sit in the waiting room....  anyway at my apt i was told i didn't need to keep going to these apts because i have surpassed the program but i have to see what my doc wants me to do so we will see there!!!  Then i went and took my oldest to get his haircut he was 3 weeks past due and his dad finally said i could... then i get a phone call from my mom that my grandpa went down in my house aka our basement and was digging around looking for stuff... now mind you i had a sick kid all week another one i was trying to keep out of the sick so i had sheets off of beds and laundry in piles in the living room and i hadn't done my dishes from the night before so basically it look like it was a total mess.... although i had it under control...... so i get this phone call my grandpa is on the war path and to be careful when i get home....  so i decide i am not going into the house threw the front im gonna go around back... well thats fine i spent the next few hours cleaning and getting everything in line.... i dont let the kids go upstairs like i normally do and i stay downstairs the whole time... i dont even go up to see my mom.... then around 7:30 I hear the basement door open and my grandma screams "if you dont clean that basment you find yourself a new home!  You fucking lazy shit" This being done without calling me up and in FRONT of my children!!! WOW!!!! First off over react much!!!! ANd second they dont own the house they arent even on the title my mom is so legally they cant do squat to me!! HAHAHAH poo on them.... well that sealed my fate for the weekend i decided i was going to keep the boys away and i was going to stay away and not say a damn word to them ALLLLLL weekend...... Well that same night i went upstairs after my grandparents went to sleep to talk to my mom... my therapy apts came up while talking about my grandparents and their goal to always knock me down!! I am not exaggerating that its their life goal to make me feel like shit they have done it ever since i was little little... anyway that's beside the point im not going to sit here and blame them for my issues although they MIGHT be a little piece of how i view myself now.... who the hell knows all i know is it feels like an excuse.... I am trying to live without excuses you can see how that is going so far....so anyway that night my mom and i had a heart to heart i finally admitted how much i hate myself and most of the choices i have made since i quit my sport... and i emphasize MOST i dont regret my kids at all or ever will.... but there are still choices i have made that i hate and i admit i HATE myself... i hate mostly what i stand for i hate what i have done with my life i hate who i am plain and simple. im not good enough pretty enough strong enough or even smart enough im not a good friend mother daughter or even sister.... im angry about this im extremely angry and i dont even know where to start to fix this because it has been burned into my brain for years and i finally believe it so i have to learn how to rewire my brain.... i started and new mood stabilizer but its going to take a few weeks before i know if it helps me get out of my blue funk and on my way to rewiring.... in the mean time FINALLY talking about my issues and not my issues with others is slowly making me feel better.... god i have been so good and have slowed down on seeing my therapist and calling her but god i wanted to call her sooooo bad this weekend... but i was a good girl and didn't... so Saturday i took the boys to the hardware store and they got to build monster trucks and had a BLAST!!! Then we decided to go to the McDonald play place which wasn't the best of ideas for my diet since i hadnt really eaten in the last two days...... i have been doing pretty good on my diet since i started recording my food again thanks to a friend nudging me and telling me its good for me.... im up to a 10.9 lb weight loss putting me at 185.1 only 15.1 lbs to go before April 10th i hope this keeps up because according to MFP i should be down to 169.8 in the next five weeks which would be KILLER!!!! so anyway back to the weekend... i have never felt so isolated in my entire life.... yes my choice but i couldn't handle the abuse warranted or not and i KNOW this time it is FAR from warranted... But thankfully its Sunday night and tomorrow starts a new week.... only other issue is we got like over a foot of snow which could shut a few things down or at least delay them tomorrow... and we are supposed to get dumped on again on Tuesday so this could make for an interesting week.... also i have a second interview on Tuesday with the hospital so fingers crossed on that one..... and then i have my oldest son again next weekend because his dad is going out of town which i don't mind but then i am going two weekends in a row only seeing him a total of 4 days out of 14 that is going to torture.... And i almost forgot i got a letter saying they are taking away my help for paying for my younger sons daycare but they didn't give me an explanation and only a week to figure it out.... so fingers crossed i can get that taken care of this week because he loves his daycare and i really don't want to have to take him out because the state is stupid!!!! GAH i want to be a kid again some days.... im just ranting and making excuses now.... but i cant help it..... on the other hand i had this brilliant idea about how my friend and i should get the same exercise DVDs and Skype each other while doing them because we both have the excuse we hate working out alone.... and her schedule is unpredictable and so is mine and we live about 35-40 min away which makes planning things a tiny bit harder.... she thought i was going completely crazy but I think im brilliant.... we could also make a MFP group and start working out like a class without a gym!!! I LOVE IT but it probably is really stupid.... anyway im going to leave a random song at the end of this terribly LONG ass rant.... see yall tomorrow


R


http://youtu.be/40dxDSXsrL8

Over it!!

Ok thats it im soooo done!! Im done hating who I am in the mirror...  Im done thinking im not good enough... but am I good enough???  Am I worth Love?  Am i a good enough mother? Daughter? Friend?  I dont know really and i want that to change!!! I want to be happy! I want to smile more and cry a lot less... I want to take the next step now the question is..... what is that step???  God I dont know... I do know i had one heck of a workout day today!!! It felt GREAT,,,, i havent moved that much in awhile!! I cant wait til im over this hump and i am back to where i should be weight wise!!! Its going to feel amazing just like the movie i mentioned a few posts ago... lying to be perfect.... SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!!!!! GAAH i want my own cinderella pact and i want to feel amazing but baby steps baby steps..... well im really tired tonight so i think im going to hit the hay but im going to leave a song i can really relate to right now!!! ITs TIME FOR HAPPY!!! good night



R

http://youtu.be/ecbrTHpMHx8

Wow it has been awhile!! Supposed to post yesterday!

WOW!!! Have i been lazy!!! I havent written in about 2 weeks... Is there an excuse?? YES tons am I going to use any today HELL no!!! idk... one thing i do know is that writting this blog helps it really does help my head!!  It took me sitting down with a friend and ranting *god bless her for listening* to realize i have to do things for my head to talk myself off my cliff.... i dont want to kill myself and i do want to make that clear even though no one really reads this thing but there are many days i just want to pack up and walk away with the boys... get out of this damn state change my name change my hair and start BRAND NEW but freaking a that is never going to happen or at least for another 13.5 years at minimum!!  But i have to some how get out of this frame of mind!!! I didnt help i lost my job this weekend for no FUCKING reason other then FUCKING drama!!!!!!  I know i dont normally cuss but geeeeezzzz im not going into the stupid details but it is the dumbest reason to get fired then i have ever heard of!!!  W/E its W/E its giving me a new part time job start i have some interviews lined up for tomorrow and thursday so fingers crossed because i am not in a place to be without a job but w/e!!!1  God that should be the title of this post W/E lol.....  SO i have started my diet for real on saturday which the scale said 191.4! so  I stepped on that scale this morning and to my surprise it was 187.5 thats almost 4 pounds in 3 days i couldnt be happier!!  So thanks to my very dear patient and kind friend she has helped me realize i need to make short term goals... as well as long term goals... my goal is to be 170 at least by the time we leave for vegas on april 10,,,,, thats 17.5 pounds in 7 weeks from tomorrow... that shouldnt be too hard right???  then i will have to decide the next goal once i reach that one!!!  But then i was watching biggest loser tonight and i realized the contestants have been there 7 weeks and the person with the lowest weight loss has lost 52 pounds and im bitching about 17.5 I BETTER make this goal!!!!!! or im just worthless.... in the end and at the end of this journey i want to have lost a total of 51.4 pounds by January i know i can do this!! I want to be skinner and sexier and happy with who i see in the mirror!!! I HAVE a TON of changes to make to my life..... lets start with this one and go from there!!! I LOVE U J thank you so much for helping me this week you have no idea how much it means to me!!! ALSO YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING DOWN next time we get to play kinect!!!  Anyway thats all for tonight im sleep deprived because my oldest has the flu and talks LOUDLY in his sleep in between coughing and snoring!! SO good night and until tomorrow!!!!!!


R

Too tired to say much!!

I am not going to go off on a rant tonight!! Im too tired and emotionally drained from the day! I will be glad to fill yall in tomorrow!! Not like anyone reads my blog anyway....  My knee i killing me tonight too...  so im going to leave with something to think about as we get ready to turn our calendar pages to close the chapter on Jan 2013.... which by the way has not been as great as i was hoping but I did Get my hair cut!! 6 inches actually!!!!  Anyway im going off again... here is something to ponder!!!  Actually here are 10!!!

"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
 6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
 8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
    there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?"

Well have a great night! And here is to a great February!!! 

SO BUSY!!!`

So I have decided I am too busy for any kind of life whatsoever lol I dont know when i can fit me time in but by god i am going to make time for me!!! Like tomorrow i found a spare hour and a half my ass will be at the gym getting ready for this AWESOME 5k my friend J found out about and we are gonna do it!!!!   it is called the "Rugged Maniacs" IM SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED!!!  I will post a link to a video about the race!!! YAY!!! So now i have a positive excuse to get my rear in gear and actually get into shape!!! I got my stupid and i mean STUPID compression brace today its a chap so it goes up to my hip and down to my toe because the lady ordered the wrong stocking and got me closed toed!!!!  GAAAHH oh well..... My sister and I are watching golden girls at the moment making it a fairly relaxing night!!!  I have laundry to do and some more homework but thats ok!!! OH yeah I almost forgot I AM GOING TO VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES VEGAS!!!!!!!!!! April 10-13 for my moms 51st aka 50th repeat birthday.... yes it has been booked... my youngest son is all set and my oldest son will be with his dad!!!!!  SO YES THIS YEAR IS ABOUT ME AND DOING WHATS RIGHT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YEAH  I know i am typing like a hyper little squirrel but i cant help it.... im just hyper hyper hyper!!!  I have started p90x last night that should help me get my rear in gear for this race!!!  OMG IM actually happy today...... i wonder what awaits me tomorrow!!!!  EVEYONE have a good day!!!!  LIVE LIFE!!!!!

 R



Rugged Maniacs

Not a bad day!

 Today wasnt such a horrible day!!! My mom and i are actually planning a 3 day get away to vegas!! NO kids no sister no grandparents!!! This could be really good for us or a TERRIBLE idea!!! I guess we will have to wait and see wont we!!! We arent planning to go until april for her birthday!!!  Anyway.... i told my granddad i was going to go for my bachlors degree instead of my associates and all he could say was "so that means an extra semester without an actual good paying job!"  GOD WTH am i supposed to do! not a good for you kid or im proud of you for going for something bigger NOPE just worried about the god damn money well screw you ya old butt head!!! I dont know whats wrong with him anymore except he is getting old and MEAN!!!  Anywho besides that it was a good day!! I hate one of my professors but what ever and i got accepted to the school i want to get my bachlors at and i applyed for my associates degree graduation which will happen in the fall semester after i take statistics and sign lang... HECK YEAH!!!  Both the boys had a good day today... my youngest is potty training and its going pretty well.... not quite as good as it did with my oldest but beggers can not be choosers!! LOL im really starting to look forward to vegas agian i dont know if i should be or not but who cares its something i never got to do legal because of the age i had my children!!!!!  I feel better about myself today idk why either!! Maybe its because i got my heart pumping with a zumba class today! That put me in this fantastic little mood!! Im so uplifted right now its kinda scareing me!!! I thought about my dad today gosh i miss my dad its hard to believe its almost been a year and a half since he left us.... it made me start thinking about the song by carrie underwood that came out like 2 weeks after he died.... " see you again" its an amazing song!! I will put in a youtube link at the end of this post!!!  i cried a little but i think it helped!! Then i wondered what he would say about what i am doing with my life.... my dadddy was an amazing man!!! I wish i wouldnt have hated his disease so much at the end and let myself stay close to him instead of distancing myself like i did!!! oh well live and let go right???  well i dont think i am going to end today with a quote i will just end today with the song!!! Thank god for being alive!!!!!

R


http://youtu.be/GC0mKxtS7mA

"Lying to be perfect" GREAT MOVIE!!!!!

So today has been a bit of a lazy day! But i got some really good news today!  Well i am not 100% sure how to feel about the news but my ex my older sons dad said he could to the live show of Phineas and Ferb that i won tickets to next Saturday!!! My boys are so excited!!!  Also its just gonna be me and my sister and the boys lets just hope that i don't get any texts pissy from my mother!!!  Like i did last Sunday at CHURCH!!!!! AT CHURCH she was getting all kinds of pissy that i went to church with one of my co workers who is almost the same age as my mother!! Its almost like she is threatened!!!  Anyway i am in the middle of this service at a church i have never been to and the Sunday school group said they would text me if there were any issues with my youngest son so when i felt my phone vibrate i checked it to see and really pissed off for no reason other then my mom didn't want to go out to lunch with my grandma!!! I mean she said "I'm so sick i could die and Thanks i have no one!!! I HATE U!!!"  yeah i got that at CHURCH last Sunday morning!!!! Then we had a huge fight!! Well she really layed it on THICK!!!! I know i shouldn't care she is lonely and tired but it doesnt make it hurt any less!! I KNOW letting her words get to me is some and ONLY some of the reason I dont like myself as much as I do!!! I know I come off to those of you who know me as this put together person with her head on straight but i am the farthest thing from that person!!!! I am tired of hiding behind the pain and disgust of myself!! now i know that is the main source of my anger is my disgust for myself!!! My major disgust like i mentioned a few entries ago is my appearance I am a young single mother and thats the thing i dont want to be single... and getting a boy friend is not a priority but at least having a guy check me out once in awhile wouldnt be so bad!!!! I used to be this skinny hot little thing and when my dad got really sick i let my diet go to hell!!! I havnt gotten back on the right track until VERY recently!!! Im tired of being the girl who is frumpy and fat!!! Im unhappy in my own skin!!! I am trying to get past this but this is the first time i have ever let it out of my head and somewhere else that if anyone knew who this really was would be like huh???   so that brings me to the title of this entry!!! The movie "lying to be perfect"
            "By day, Nola Devlin (Poppy Montgomery) is an unassuming, frumpy magazine editor who    is overlooked and teased by her coworkers. When the sun sets, though, and she is behind the glow and anonymity of her computer screen, she becomes the famous and reclusive advice columnist Belinda Apple. Nolas friends, tired of being overworked and overweight, band together to create the Cinderella Pact, vowing to lose pounds by following the advice of their fairy godmother, Apple. When her secret identity is threatened, Nola is forced to take her own alter egos advice. But, as the group of friends drops dress sizes, their real issues are exposed, and better-than-expected life changes begin to blossom."
 That is what I want with my life!!! I want to grab it by the horns and be who I want to be... I am tired of trying to be what i think the world wants me to be... if you dont like me for who i am SCREW you!!!!!  Now if i just follow through!!!!  and i just need to mention if it werent for my friends J, B, M, A and my theripist i wouldnt be typing this really dramatic blog and trying to fix myself!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!! MUWAH!!!!!

R

I guess being sick has paid off!

Well I am FINALLY feeling better!!  Those antibiotics are kicking in!!  I know I wanted to start my quest to a better body and i didnt think i had done so.... but guess what I am down 5 whole pounds and I couldnt be happier.... now this is down 5 pounds from when i last weighed which was like 2 weeks ago but hey i am NOT complaining!!! I went to work last night we were fairly steady which was nice! I guess... I am confused about some things in my life but i dont think i am quite ready to admit to these confusions.... anyway life is about adventure right?? Well this is my adventure!  I am going to start getting things right!!  OMG i just read what i just wrote and talk about RAMBLING with no direction!! Ah oh well like i said just write what comes out and it will be completely honest!!!! So a quote Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."Harriet Tubman  Now i just need to take my own advice!!! Have a good day!!!

Feeling yucky!!

So I went to the doctor this morning and he confirmed the ear infection as well as strep throat!! Which means i probably shouldnt have gone to physical therapy this morning or done all that i did before my apt!!!  Having strep throat means two other things!!! 1 i get to stay in bed which is nice because i have NEEDED this catch up on sleep and rest for some time!!! and 2 that i CANT go to work which SUCKS because my mom is freaking out over money!!! BLECH!!!!!! Oh well..... this morning was another rough morning with her!!! She told me to get a note from my doctor stating what was wrong with me so she could see.... she didnt believe i was sick she just thought i wanted to be lazy and stay home from work which is not the case!!! Because as much as i HATE HATE HATE being a waitress this job is my "me time" its what i need to survive this situation im in!!!!!  Anywho she got all kinds of pissy because i really was sick and i think that is just plain stupid!!!!!! meh life goes on! So as i am laying in bed waiting for my oldest son to get home from school (my grandpa offered to pick him up) I write this "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales  Think about how you are going to start this weekend "anew" think about how you can take a negative outlook and change it!!  I know I should take my own advice and I know there arent many people reading this but go out and make a difference today!!! Im going to bed and will be back later

R

I hate being sick!!!

So much for the start of the new me!!  I woke up this morning and felt TERRIBLE!!! I am pretty sure I have an ear infection and something funky is going on with my tonsils!!!  But I am SOOOO mad!!! I went to lab today and all that was good but I got home and went to tell my mom not to worry about me or my youngest because he was in daycare and i was going back to bed because i feel so YUCKY... all she could say was "Well im sick with a sore throat too and you ddnt wash my sheets" i was like are you kidding me!! So i YELLED at her and said she can stuff her sheets!!! I NEVER stay in bed because i am sick!!!!  so i have an apt with my doctor tomorrow and i called her to tell her i had to take the car and she said well did you call welfare and see where your money is!!!! I was like NO mom that wasnt exactly first thing on my mind while im trying to sleep off this cold so i dont as single mom have to take off of work or be out of commission long!!!! then she says "well i guess money isnt very important to you!!!!!!!OMG I NEED TO GET out of here!!! I CANT Stand her right now!!! And she is still whining about her being sick!!! SHIT she is always fing sick!!!!! GAH!!! Ok well my fever feels like it might be coming back so Im gonna get off here!!! Sorry for the rant!! I will try to type something positive later if i feel well enough!!

The start of the new me!!!

Over the next 3 months I am going to start changing myself for the better!  The diet begins tomorrow!! My goal is about 40lbs maybe unrealistic but its my goal no less! Also over the next 3 months Im going to change my hair I think and my wardrobe!!! I cant wait to start feeling better about myself!!! I know I sound like a good majorty of women "NEEDING" to lose weight! BUT i really think this will help my self esteem!!! So here goes nothing!! To the next 90 days! I will post measurments and pics soon!!!

I hope this helps!

Who am i?  What is my purpose in this life?  That I dont know.  That fact frustrates me to the maximum!   Ok enough being vague!  I started this blog so I have a place to put my stress, my hurt , my pain, my joy and accomplishments. I dont know if anyone will ever read this or if anyone even cares! I do hope if anyone does read this they will be able to relate and know there are plenty of people with messed up lives and stress and no one is alone.   Anyway here is a little about me... I am a young single mother of two amazing wonderful boys who are my everything and I would go to the end of the earth for them. I have full custody of one of them his father was not ready to be a dad and split town,,, but enough about him.. i share 50/50 with my other son... believe me when i say the custody battle over the last few years has been tougher to deal with then child birth!!! LOL i will go into more detail later... Aside from my boys my life is pretty lame... i still live at home because i moved back when my father was getting sicker then he had been!! He had a disease called spinocerrabellar ataxia or SCA3 it is hereditary and inevitable if you carry the mutation which i found out June 25 i have the same disease! Which in my opinion sucks but on the other hand it could give me a chance to be apart of the research!!! Also I just started going back to school which is difficult because in my mind I should already be in my career but because of my choices i am not!!! I have some real insecurity issues that for some reason i NEVER want to address and I have been going to a therapist for over a year now and it has helped some but i wont completely let go and get deep down into my issues!!! Stupid right??? I think that has a lot to do with my anger towards myself and the world but mostly myself!!!! To start i HATE my body!! I am a tad over weight and i HATE it i was always this little girl and since having kids, stress, and poor ass diet i just kept the weight on!! I have tried diets and they dont seem to work but i also just had knee surgery 2.5 months ago and im just getting back to the gym so i am hoping that will help!!!  I think i am ugly and unwanted which everyone says is not true but for some reason that is how i see myself in the mirror!! If i just had the perfect hair and the perfect body i could get where i want to go!!! I also HATE some of the choices in my life some of the people i trusted and got hurt by.... but i cant change that now can i???  i have been told i can write a horror story or a book of warning on who NOT to date and WHO not to love!!! sounds crazy because of my age but its true!! I know right now i ramble and dont hold a consistant thought for long but i have so much on my mind and so much i need to get out that is the way its gonna be for awhile!! My 10th grade english teacher always said the most honest and truthful writing just happens doesnt matter if it makes sense when its being written as long as you get it all out!!! you can always remove extra fluff if you want later!! I always loved that!! So thats what i am doing because that is what i need!!  I dont like most of my life... i dont like being the age i am and living at home!! i dont like that i had kids when i did... if i had a chance i think i would have waited!!! There are days i feel like i missed out and what if,,, that drives me CRAZY because i LOVE my boys so very very very much!!!!! and i dont want to think that at all,,, does that make me a bad mom??? I dont know but i know it makes me feel so guilty i would never be able to admit it in actual words outside of typing them!!! My mom and i have a VERY hard relationship and i can go on and on and on and on about it but thats not whats hurting me at the moment as i write this entry!!! I feel alone, lost, scared,angry and like i need to self sabotage myself in order to function!! like i have to live in a constant state of chaos to be happy of functional!! My mind is a scary place to to live in.... i dont want to take my life i KNOW that ... i experienced that once and i NEVER want to go back to that place ever again!! Yet i feel im in this dark hole and as soon as i start coming out of it something happens!!! I dont feel like i belong in the life im in!!!!! I DONT have a PLACE in my own skin!!! I feel trapped stuck someone other then me!! there has only been one place where i feel at home and thats on the ice!! skating was my life and when it was taken away from me due to injury i started making terrible choices and thats when i started down this path of not being me!!! But i guess thats why life is so full of choices!!! well im done for now i know i didnt accomplish anything this entry but its a start!!! Ok i will be back later!!!


R