Who am i? What is my purpose in this life? That I dont know. That fact frustrates me to the maximum! Ok enough being vague! I started this blog so I have a place to put my stress, my hurt , my pain, my joy and accomplishments. I dont know if anyone will ever read this or if anyone even cares! I do hope if anyone does read this they will be able to relate and know there are plenty of people with messed up lives and stress and no one is alone. Anyway here is a little about me... I am a young single mother of two amazing wonderful boys who are my everything and I would go to the end of the earth for them. I have full custody of one of them his father was not ready to be a dad and split town,,, but enough about him.. i share 50/50 with my other son... believe me when i say the custody battle over the last few years has been tougher to deal with then child birth!!! LOL i will go into more detail later... Aside from my boys my life is pretty lame... i still live at home because i moved back when my father was getting sicker then he had been!! He had a disease called spinocerrabellar ataxia or SCA3 it is hereditary and inevitable if you carry the mutation which i found out June 25 i have the same disease! Which in my opinion sucks but on the other hand it could give me a chance to be apart of the research!!! Also I just started going back to school which is difficult because in my mind I should already be in my career but because of my choices i am not!!! I have some real insecurity issues that for some reason i NEVER want to address and I have been going to a therapist for over a year now and it has helped some but i wont completely let go and get deep down into my issues!!! Stupid right??? I think that has a lot to do with my anger towards myself and the world but mostly myself!!!! To start i HATE my body!! I am a tad over weight and i HATE it i was always this little girl and since having kids, stress, and poor ass diet i just kept the weight on!! I have tried diets and they dont seem to work but i also just had knee surgery 2.5 months ago and im just getting back to the gym so i am hoping that will help!!! I think i am ugly and unwanted which everyone says is not true but for some reason that is how i see myself in the mirror!! If i just had the perfect hair and the perfect body i could get where i want to go!!! I also HATE some of the choices in my life some of the people i trusted and got hurt by.... but i cant change that now can i??? i have been told i can write a horror story or a book of warning on who NOT to date and WHO not to love!!! sounds crazy because of my age but its true!! I know right now i ramble and dont hold a consistant thought for long but i have so much on my mind and so much i need to get out that is the way its gonna be for awhile!! My 10th grade english teacher always said the most honest and truthful writing just happens doesnt matter if it makes sense when its being written as long as you get it all out!!! you can always remove extra fluff if you want later!! I always loved that!! So thats what i am doing because that is what i need!! I dont like most of my life... i dont like being the age i am and living at home!! i dont like that i had kids when i did... if i had a chance i think i would have waited!!! There are days i feel like i missed out and what if,,, that drives me CRAZY because i LOVE my boys so very very very much!!!!! and i dont want to think that at all,,, does that make me a bad mom??? I dont know but i know it makes me feel so guilty i would never be able to admit it in actual words outside of typing them!!! My mom and i have a VERY hard relationship and i can go on and on and on and on about it but thats not whats hurting me at the moment as i write this entry!!! I feel alone, lost, scared,angry and like i need to self sabotage myself in order to function!! like i have to live in a constant state of chaos to be happy of functional!! My mind is a scary place to to live in.... i dont want to take my life i KNOW that ... i experienced that once and i NEVER want to go back to that place ever again!! Yet i feel im in this dark hole and as soon as i start coming out of it something happens!!! I dont feel like i belong in the life im in!!!!! I DONT have a PLACE in my own skin!!! I feel trapped stuck someone other then me!! there has only been one place where i feel at home and thats on the ice!! skating was my life and when it was taken away from me due to injury i started making terrible choices and thats when i started down this path of not being me!!! But i guess thats why life is so full of choices!!! well im done for now i know i didnt accomplish anything this entry but its a start!!! Ok i will be back later!!!
R
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