Ok I hurt!!

This whole working out and dieting thing is killing me!! Not really its actually REALLY good for me but im so sore i can barely move!!!  But im happy.... lets see here i need to look back at my old blog to see when i started this weight loss journey because im thrilled!! i start officially dieting again 5 weeks ago but tracking my weight!! I have lost 14.6 lbs in 5 weeks!! Which means i am right on track for my Vegas goal!! Might even be a little below!!! I AM FREAKING OUT EXCITED!!! Now if i could just help my friend who has helped me SO much find her motivation!! I dont know how losing 50 something pounds so far isnt motivation but everyone is different!! I am so proud of her and thankful to her at the same time!!!! I LOVE her like a sister and i am so so so so so so so so glad we became friends again!! I guess it was just meant to be..... or in the cards... now lets find he motivation button and we will all be happy!! Anyway im am starting to feel like no one can tell me what to do anymore!! I am so tired of being shot down... its quite refreshing to not be so hard on myself its just hard to not want to punch the person in the face that put me there to begin with!  a few days ago my grandfather looked me in the face and said i was a "waste of resources money and air"  WOW did that hurt!!!! All because i cant balance a full time job full time school and full time motherhood single!!!  God sometimes its hard to remember he is old and becoming MEANER with his age because it is a dagger through the heart!!!!  It makes it harder and harder and harder to live with him when all his goal is to put me DOWN!!!! HELL whatever i am so burnt!! But im not going to let this shit get me down!!!! Alright its bed time i need to rest my sore aching body goodnight no one!!!


R


MY THEME SONG!!!

TOO MUCH!!!

This is not going to be a long post because i have too much to post and i dont want to get into it all right now... shit my chest and left shoulder blade hurt enough for the night!! well i guess its morning at this point but w.e.... Long story short and NASTY stupid shit aside i think change is coming my way and when i say change i mean a good change but i have to get a job first and make some more positive strides towards a better happier life!! i just have to say i couldnt have done it without my friends right now!! I owe my life to you at this point because i think i might have taken mine by now if you werent there!!! so thank you!!! ok im going to bed because this is sooooo scattered and not making a whole lot of sense.... until tonight....


R

What a weekend!

I don't even know where to start.... this weekend has been an interesting one that is for sure!!!!  It started on Friday my oldest son had been sick all week and i planned on picking him up but instead his dad sends me a text an hour before he is dropping him off... so that ruined my plans because i didn't have a sitter and i had an apt @ 10 so instead of taking one boy i had to take both... i was really worried because this apt didn't allow me to sit and watch them and they couldn't participate in what i was doing so they had to sit in the waiting room....  anyway at my apt i was told i didn't need to keep going to these apts because i have surpassed the program but i have to see what my doc wants me to do so we will see there!!!  Then i went and took my oldest to get his haircut he was 3 weeks past due and his dad finally said i could... then i get a phone call from my mom that my grandpa went down in my house aka our basement and was digging around looking for stuff... now mind you i had a sick kid all week another one i was trying to keep out of the sick so i had sheets off of beds and laundry in piles in the living room and i hadn't done my dishes from the night before so basically it look like it was a total mess.... although i had it under control...... so i get this phone call my grandpa is on the war path and to be careful when i get home....  so i decide i am not going into the house threw the front im gonna go around back... well thats fine i spent the next few hours cleaning and getting everything in line.... i dont let the kids go upstairs like i normally do and i stay downstairs the whole time... i dont even go up to see my mom.... then around 7:30 I hear the basement door open and my grandma screams "if you dont clean that basment you find yourself a new home!  You fucking lazy shit" This being done without calling me up and in FRONT of my children!!! WOW!!!! First off over react much!!!! ANd second they dont own the house they arent even on the title my mom is so legally they cant do squat to me!! HAHAHAH poo on them.... well that sealed my fate for the weekend i decided i was going to keep the boys away and i was going to stay away and not say a damn word to them ALLLLLL weekend...... Well that same night i went upstairs after my grandparents went to sleep to talk to my mom... my therapy apts came up while talking about my grandparents and their goal to always knock me down!! I am not exaggerating that its their life goal to make me feel like shit they have done it ever since i was little little... anyway that's beside the point im not going to sit here and blame them for my issues although they MIGHT be a little piece of how i view myself now.... who the hell knows all i know is it feels like an excuse.... I am trying to live without excuses you can see how that is going so far....so anyway that night my mom and i had a heart to heart i finally admitted how much i hate myself and most of the choices i have made since i quit my sport... and i emphasize MOST i dont regret my kids at all or ever will.... but there are still choices i have made that i hate and i admit i HATE myself... i hate mostly what i stand for i hate what i have done with my life i hate who i am plain and simple. im not good enough pretty enough strong enough or even smart enough im not a good friend mother daughter or even sister.... im angry about this im extremely angry and i dont even know where to start to fix this because it has been burned into my brain for years and i finally believe it so i have to learn how to rewire my brain.... i started and new mood stabilizer but its going to take a few weeks before i know if it helps me get out of my blue funk and on my way to rewiring.... in the mean time FINALLY talking about my issues and not my issues with others is slowly making me feel better.... god i have been so good and have slowed down on seeing my therapist and calling her but god i wanted to call her sooooo bad this weekend... but i was a good girl and didn't... so Saturday i took the boys to the hardware store and they got to build monster trucks and had a BLAST!!! Then we decided to go to the McDonald play place which wasn't the best of ideas for my diet since i hadnt really eaten in the last two days...... i have been doing pretty good on my diet since i started recording my food again thanks to a friend nudging me and telling me its good for me.... im up to a 10.9 lb weight loss putting me at 185.1 only 15.1 lbs to go before April 10th i hope this keeps up because according to MFP i should be down to 169.8 in the next five weeks which would be KILLER!!!! so anyway back to the weekend... i have never felt so isolated in my entire life.... yes my choice but i couldn't handle the abuse warranted or not and i KNOW this time it is FAR from warranted... But thankfully its Sunday night and tomorrow starts a new week.... only other issue is we got like over a foot of snow which could shut a few things down or at least delay them tomorrow... and we are supposed to get dumped on again on Tuesday so this could make for an interesting week.... also i have a second interview on Tuesday with the hospital so fingers crossed on that one..... and then i have my oldest son again next weekend because his dad is going out of town which i don't mind but then i am going two weekends in a row only seeing him a total of 4 days out of 14 that is going to torture.... And i almost forgot i got a letter saying they are taking away my help for paying for my younger sons daycare but they didn't give me an explanation and only a week to figure it out.... so fingers crossed i can get that taken care of this week because he loves his daycare and i really don't want to have to take him out because the state is stupid!!!! GAH i want to be a kid again some days.... im just ranting and making excuses now.... but i cant help it..... on the other hand i had this brilliant idea about how my friend and i should get the same exercise DVDs and Skype each other while doing them because we both have the excuse we hate working out alone.... and her schedule is unpredictable and so is mine and we live about 35-40 min away which makes planning things a tiny bit harder.... she thought i was going completely crazy but I think im brilliant.... we could also make a MFP group and start working out like a class without a gym!!! I LOVE IT but it probably is really stupid.... anyway im going to leave a random song at the end of this terribly LONG ass rant.... see yall tomorrow


R


http://youtu.be/40dxDSXsrL8

Over it!!

Ok thats it im soooo done!! Im done hating who I am in the mirror...  Im done thinking im not good enough... but am I good enough???  Am I worth Love?  Am i a good enough mother? Daughter? Friend?  I dont know really and i want that to change!!! I want to be happy! I want to smile more and cry a lot less... I want to take the next step now the question is..... what is that step???  God I dont know... I do know i had one heck of a workout day today!!! It felt GREAT,,,, i havent moved that much in awhile!! I cant wait til im over this hump and i am back to where i should be weight wise!!! Its going to feel amazing just like the movie i mentioned a few posts ago... lying to be perfect.... SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!!!!!! GAAH i want my own cinderella pact and i want to feel amazing but baby steps baby steps..... well im really tired tonight so i think im going to hit the hay but im going to leave a song i can really relate to right now!!! ITs TIME FOR HAPPY!!! good night



R

http://youtu.be/ecbrTHpMHx8

Wow it has been awhile!! Supposed to post yesterday!

WOW!!! Have i been lazy!!! I havent written in about 2 weeks... Is there an excuse?? YES tons am I going to use any today HELL no!!! idk... one thing i do know is that writting this blog helps it really does help my head!!  It took me sitting down with a friend and ranting *god bless her for listening* to realize i have to do things for my head to talk myself off my cliff.... i dont want to kill myself and i do want to make that clear even though no one really reads this thing but there are many days i just want to pack up and walk away with the boys... get out of this damn state change my name change my hair and start BRAND NEW but freaking a that is never going to happen or at least for another 13.5 years at minimum!!  But i have to some how get out of this frame of mind!!! I didnt help i lost my job this weekend for no FUCKING reason other then FUCKING drama!!!!!!  I know i dont normally cuss but geeeeezzzz im not going into the stupid details but it is the dumbest reason to get fired then i have ever heard of!!!  W/E its W/E its giving me a new part time job start i have some interviews lined up for tomorrow and thursday so fingers crossed because i am not in a place to be without a job but w/e!!!1  God that should be the title of this post W/E lol.....  SO i have started my diet for real on saturday which the scale said 191.4! so  I stepped on that scale this morning and to my surprise it was 187.5 thats almost 4 pounds in 3 days i couldnt be happier!!  So thanks to my very dear patient and kind friend she has helped me realize i need to make short term goals... as well as long term goals... my goal is to be 170 at least by the time we leave for vegas on april 10,,,,, thats 17.5 pounds in 7 weeks from tomorrow... that shouldnt be too hard right???  then i will have to decide the next goal once i reach that one!!!  But then i was watching biggest loser tonight and i realized the contestants have been there 7 weeks and the person with the lowest weight loss has lost 52 pounds and im bitching about 17.5 I BETTER make this goal!!!!!! or im just worthless.... in the end and at the end of this journey i want to have lost a total of 51.4 pounds by January i know i can do this!! I want to be skinner and sexier and happy with who i see in the mirror!!! I HAVE a TON of changes to make to my life..... lets start with this one and go from there!!! I LOVE U J thank you so much for helping me this week you have no idea how much it means to me!!! ALSO YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING DOWN next time we get to play kinect!!!  Anyway thats all for tonight im sleep deprived because my oldest has the flu and talks LOUDLY in his sleep in between coughing and snoring!! SO good night and until tomorrow!!!!!!


R